Leaths of Fape

Alright, I'm getting to it once and for all. I finally did it. I jumped off the highest platform. What is it, like 33 feet? I think so. Sure, it isn't that awesome compared to other amazing feats like skydiving or what-have-you, but I've got to admit I've been beating myself up ever since I was 12 and my 11 year old brother jumped when I didn't. I think my dad gave him 5 bucks too...

Also worth mentioning is the fact that I hadn't been swimming in almost 2 1/2 years, which makes what I do next all the more ridiculous.

Did it hurt? Yeah, but not enough to stop the likes of me. Unfortunately this isn't the best of dives from that night, I continued to practice until I got a little better. Emphasis on the little, though. My favorite part is the off screen gasps. Pretty sure I was the only one to attempt a dive that day, along with being one of the few who jumped off the top repeatively. Also, big props to Spencer and Marquee for getting this footage via cell phone.

The ghost ship of the Kaplan Seas

My last job was pretty awesome, and it happened to be located in one of the coolest places ever; a.k.a. the Justice League Space Station. However, janitorial work doesn't pay great in space, and the commute was terrible, so I relocated. Since then I've been been able to get in touch with my inner child at the local Children's Museum. How do I like it? I don't.


I love it.





One of my personal favorites - and that of most of the staff too - is the legendary Kapla Blocks. They might just be the great toy ever invented, in fact they are down right award winning. (see http://www.kaplatoys.com/)





Well, one fine day I began an epic construction, the likes of which had never been seen before. I called it, the Ghost Ship.

I don't know if any picture can do it justice. I mean, can you tell that it consists of about 300 small wooden blocks? held together only by gravity? I admit that I had to bend the rules a bit, though; I used the half pipe beams to hold a real curving hull, and I had to branch out to some other toys once I used all available blocks.

Fact is, I actually stayed after hours and off the clock to build this bad boy...which in retrospect probably seems more pathetic then creative...

I would mention that I was actually there at work waiting for my mom to give me a ride, but that too seems to add to the patheticness.

I should also mention that the word KAPLA comes from the dutch term for "small planks," (kabouter plankjes) and the game, according to what I've read, was the baby of some art historian seeking to build a model of the castle of his dreams. Well, Tom van de Bruggen, my castle is a pirate ship. Yargh.

Climbing Proof

Secret to Success

Job searches, pep talks, and career centers have led me to find the ultimate secret to a successful career. I thought all these confusing questions like 'what do you enjoy doing?' or 'what are you naturally skilled at?' were supposed to help me find a career that would help me feel accomplished and important. You know, like something that I would feel good doing everyday for the rest of my life. However, I found that these assumptions could not be farther from the truth. In reality, these competency tests, interviews, career festivals, and fancy classes, were just trying to help me find the easiest and straightest path to what every person really wants:

To be in a big chair, and behind a big desk.

It all makes so much sense now! Following your passion was never part of real happiness! Feeling accomplished in doing something is only a fleeting feeling that we misinterpret! What we are really feeling when the heart says "A job well done," is "Big desk, here we come." Continue up the line a bit and there you go. The big desk. That's the real goal. Always has been.

I am sure this comes to a relief to the many college students and graduates everywhere trying to find where they fit in the world. You can now give up on whatever you were trying before. It actually doesn't matter if you become an accountant or journalist or even a doctor. They all lead to the same place. That big desk.

My advice to you is to settle now. Don't aim to find something you love doing. Don't even look for something you're interested in. Take the easiest route now and get into a cubicle. Do not bother looking for businesses you respect, or companies you believe in. Do not waste time and energy assessing your skills and likes. All that time researching your own personal interests will never reward you like submission to the truth. All that matters is that you keep your eye on the prize. Settle into a desk as soon as possible, and start working your way up to that bigger desk. Imagine it, the smell of freshly polished mahogany in the early morning, a dim unnatural fluorescent light flickers above you're head. You set that coffee cup next to the shiny name plate and you, my friend, are really living. Nothing could be any better.

And as if any doubt in your mind remains, consider this: as time flows on, only two kinds of jobs will prove to be unfaltering through no matter what shifts are made. First, the big chairs behind big desks (since all paths lead there anyway); and second, the makers of big office furniture.

That my friends, is the future.

Hang on.

It was Tuesday. That means I am here days later - very nearly Friday morning -straining to look back at what exactly I wanted to describe about rock climbing with Spencer's family. The cliff was unexpectedly easy to get to, and unexpectedly difficult to get up. Hiking around was easy, even if barefoot, but the climb... well, let's just say for how much I climbed in years prior, my skill in the area is still surprisingly similar to my skill when I first started. That air of familiarity that rushed to me as I met with ropes, gear, and adrenaline vanished quickly as I attempted the actual ascent. I guess I must have expected obvious hand holds and whole-palm grip, because when in reality I was faced with the slippery finger sized ridges and a large dependence of foot (more like toe) placement, I pretty well slipped up...or down, I suppose.

It's a funny thing I think, this rock climbing. I mean, the purpose is definitely not get from point A to point B as quickly as possible - at least not in this case. Spencer hiked up and around the whole cliff before I could even move the last three feet! Instead, I think the reason I like it so much is that I am proving something to myself and to nobody else, for no other reason to say that I can. It's a feeling of pure accomplishment, to conquer an obstacle that daunting. Even when the climb itself might not be that challenging, sometimes it's conquering the fear that makes us feel so victorious. A friend and I sat on the cliff's edge once, not too terribly high up, and he mentioned something about actually having somewhat of a fear of heights. Thinking about it now makes me wonder if that actually made the sport MORE appealing, not because it was scary, but because it was more of a victory for him that it might be for others.

Upon returning to the home of the Spencer Support Troop ( AKA the Parents for and in behalf of Spencer group) I was confronted by a series of questions that really made me think. I don't mean to oust any family member, but you must admit the question's make you smile, if only for their parental nature. "Do you have a girlfriend you are serious about?" Had I been in a less exhausted mood I could have responded with some joke, but I didn't have one at the time, let alone a serious girlfriend. I mean really, I could have at least said, "I don't even have one I'm sarcastic about." Anyway, the next one. "Are you looking for one?" Well, I thought, are you? For a split second I imagined 'looking' as if I had big binoculars, searching high and low. As far as I know that was not how my dad 'found' my mom, so why should I? However, it did work for that Mcfly boy in Back to the Future... Regardless, I answered that I was always taking applications. A total cowards answer which basically meant 'I don't know' without sounding like I was avoiding relationships. Finally, sometime later and from a different person: "What are you looking for in a young woman?" This one got me, not just for the fact that I didn't have a list of what I was looking for in the future Mrs. E, but because (as previously established) I had no idea if I even WAS out looking for that young woman. It was at about this time that everything seemed to pause as a thought process mirroring this whole paragraph (yes, the one you're reading now) passed right through my head within an instant. After recovering I answered simply, "I don't know," although internally all that remained was a quiet, echoing "Whoa."

Is finding that someone seriously the next step? This question is from me. Unfortunately I answer again with an 'I don't know.' But I have found a better answer for question 2. "Am I looking for one?" Well... yes, but not in the sense of going out like on some sort of hunt, like a jaguar. Instead, I'm keeping my eyes open as I do what I can. I don't believe that hunting would do any good for me (If it works for you that's fine), on the contrary, I ultimately just trust God's timing, especially over my own. I'm sure he'll deliver what I need when I need it. That, I think, should be good enough for now.

Wakeboarding Bang Ups

Who would have thought that watching an hour's worth of wakeboaring How To's does not actually enable you with the powers of all wakeboarding gods past and present? I was sure that's how it all worked. I mean, come on, You Tube is how I learned to do a Rubik's cube, dress emo, escape from handcuffs, and even get a date so why not wakeboarding? it was with this confidence that I leveled out on top of the water - just like times before - curved left and right to let the familiarity flood back. However, when Internet inspired courage then propelled me to attempt to skid toward the curved wakes, expecting them to freely catapult me into the air, I am met only with a slap in the face... Quite literally.


A second attempt. This time my board really did hop, but more like a dolphin than a wakeboard, and when dolphins dive into the water they usually are not being pulled by a speedboat with a full grown off-balanced man strapped to their back, so my diving nose-first approach ended with considerably less grace than the before mentioned aquatic mammal.


And that's what got me thinking: why not ride a dolphin? Here I am unfamiliar with water dynamics, all while the power of nature awaits untapped with literal centuries of experience. The right bait, some clicks and squeaks, and I was set.

The details of how and why a dolphin could be in Utah Lake are plainly stated here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boto under the section labeled MYTHOLOGY*, but regardless of what ever fact you find I was successful in riding the said dolphin. Unfortunately, I was met with the same fate as before. Standing: easy; curving left and right: a breeze; successfully jumping into the air while strapped to dolphin instead of wakeboard: still surprisingly difficult.


Another slap to the face. Perhaps I need to practice more...

(*According to Wikipedia's Mythology, it's totally within reason that some Utah woman was traveling and had such an encounter.)

(**No dolphins were harmed in the making of this post.)

THE EXTREME TO DO LIST

The list of awesome things to do, AND I WILL DO THEM!

...Eventually

I need more things to do! Send in your suggestions!

• Jump Really High on Wakeboard and Attempt Flip
• Skydive
• Bungee Jump
• Skinny Dip
• Ride an Elephant
• Hold a Falcon
• Swim with Sharks
• Scuba Dive
• Backflip like Ninja
• One-and-a-half Pike Dive off of Highest Platform
• Learn the Guitar and perform
• Learn the Piano and perform
• Write a Completely Original Song
• Make a Band and Release an Album
• Go Hang Gliding
• Fly in a Helicopter
• Water Ski Barefoot
• Tear Up the Streets Parkour Style
• Race the Trax Train via Long Board
• Learn to Windsurf
• Learn to Surf and Attempt Handstand
• Ride Along with a Police Officer and Witness an Arrest
• Ride Along with an Ambulence
• Escape from Handcuffs while Blindfolded and Hanging Upside Down
• Be my own story on the News
• Become Friends with a Celebrity
• Get across the United States with 20 dollars
• Plan and Execute Dirt Poor European Surf Tour

The Paintball Champion... kicked my butt

The noise alone is enough to get my blood pumping. Like the world's most terrible hailstorm somehow beating the indoor arena's walls, barrages of paint-filled bullets echo throughout the warehouse. The match ends, players exit, new players enter. As we file in through the nets I check my mask and safety off my paintball marker (gun) before getting ready to run. The Referee's voice booms a 3-2-1 GO! and I scramble to stay behind what cover I find as the first and often most vicious volley of paint balls pelt everything in sight. A little bit of quiet sends me running to the next obstacle, sliding on my knees across the slippery painted ground, pulling the trigger on anything I see move. Luck alone shows me an enemy that doesn't see me, yet. I fire the best I can, hardly tracing which paintball goes where, until I see his arms raise into the air. Whether it was my aim or another's that claimed the kill, I can't tell, but a proud sense of accomplishment runs up and down my body, quickly followed by a murder of paintballs exploding across my back and side.


Dead.


The official count is in: 16 welts scattered evenly across my body. I'm not gonna lie here, you definitely notice when you are shot, however, the pure adrenaline negates the effects almost instantly. Besides, there are more thrills in those first few minutes than an hour of a Michael Bay film, making it well worth the higher ticket price.


We met at Paintball Addicts at 8pm on a Friday night without any reservations and simply played by ear. Every Friday is Ladies Night where females do not have to pay the general 5 dollar admission and a full rental package including all the CO2 you could need is only ten dollars. That first fifteen bucks will get you 100 paintballs, and could reasonably get you through 2 -3 games, dependant on how often you shoot. We found that for the two hours we played, splitting a bag of 500 rounds between a couple works out almost perfectly, the 500 bags costing another 20 dollars. That puts it at around 25 dollars per person, including all the supplies and 350 paintballs each (easily 7-8 games).


I learned very quickly that Paintball demands taking action, but the actions I choose usually left me even more vulnerable. In retrospect, I would suggest at least watching a game or two before leaping into the crossfire. Watch for those who seem more skilled and note which obstacles they use for cover and how they move across the field. Trust me, not all paths to the enemy are created equally, so make note of good places to find cover versus those that provide only false senses of security. Move fast and almost erratically, chances are waiting to long in one place will invite enemies to make the first move and play action hero. Bad news is that the action hero thing usually works, so move first and move smart. Do not be afraid to take chances, they may not pay off every time, but you will learn quickly about what works and what doesn't, and the few times you get it right are totally worth it. Enjoy the moment, but then quickly check your 6 o' clock or else you'll end up like I did.


Dead.

A Summer Worth Summarizing

This entry launches the "Summer worth Summarizing," during which I will attempt to fulfill one life-long dream every week. It will not be easy. To maximize my energy and prepare for obstacles big and small, I have set out first to "revamp" my life. I've set certain priorities, priorities meant to fuel my fire and aid me in achieving even the craziest of goals.

First -"Knock knock knockin' on heavens door" Increasing Spirituality. To find more faith and motivation I will make time for daily prayer, regular service, and carefully study. I will find what advice the scriptures hold on bettering oneself and how personal goals are tired to a greater good. This is absolutely necessary.
Second - "My washboard is broken, can I borrow your abs?" Living a Healthy Lifestyle. I see that my own confidence, energy, and enthusiasm are directly linked to my health. I will eat the best of foods to find the best of results. As for fitness, not only will I strengthen my body by exercising regularly, I will push myself toward peak physical appearance.
Third - "Cuz every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man" Finding Personal Style. I will dress to impress. How I dress largely expresses how I feel, and since I aim to be confident and successful, I better leave the sweatpants behind.

Pay attention for these topics to be covered by future blogs!